I've been coming across this problem more and more lately, not being able- no, not wanting to burden other people with my pronouns or simple nickname. I don't know what it stems from, but I feel my 'gender identity' and feel my comfort isn't as important as the comfort of the people around me, or that I’m taking away a precious resource for those trans people who need it more than me.
I recently started seeing a Counselor at a highly proclaimed LGBT Counseling Center, where one of the first things asked where 'What was my prefered name' and 'What were my pronouns.'
And I was uncomfortable telling them.
Not that I didn't want them to know, but because I felt it was a burden. That it would hinder their ability to Counsel me. That everyone has so much on their minds, who was I to add another burden onto them?
I recently began living with my Aunt and Uncle, who of course don't know. My aunt has an idea, as I've stated I have gender identity issues that could contribute to other issues. I still haven't been outright, though, as my aunt is a head-strong person (Aries like me) and I'm worried she wouldn't understand and argue. I'm probably not giving her enough credit, and I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill, but still the fear is there. The idea that 'why bother if no-one see's me that way anyway?'
For some reason everyone uses this heavily gendered language, which is only more evident because of my view on social 'norms'. That 'lady' or 'girl' is tacked onto every other sentence for no good reason other than to punctuate my birth sex. Why is it so prominent in the first place? Why did my Dad insist I get a female councillor? It's bullshit. And it bothers me every day and yet I still can't tell them to stop.
I have always wished I had been born a biological male for as long as I remember. But no, I still don't identify as such even when I wish it vehemently. My brother is ideal- tall, lean body, was always allowed to invest himself into sports as we grew up. We share our golden tan and strong jaws, though my brothers is more defined. He has a cute spray of freckles across his button nose. I'm fairly certain that had I been born with different biological sex I would still be genderfluid- just able to pass more as androgynous. Which I have no hope of doing as I am now.
I've read a very good article on how 'androgynous' isn't truly so, that what we (as society) view as ambiguous and fluid in gender as masculinity.
Sometimes, I couldn't be bothered to 'pass'. I am oozing confidence and my insides feel perfect and I can wear anything be it makeup or a dress. My wide hips and well-endowed butt feels more like a gift then a burden. Sometimes dysphoria hits like a ton of bricks, and the weight of never being able to fit into either ends of the societal spectrum is enough to suffocate me. I can't wear skirts on a more masculine day because I feel fake, and like I'm deceiving people when I tell them I'm genderfluid, or that I'm not trying hard enough to have a 'real transition'. And as we all have experienced, despite having intellect in rationality does not mean the universe and our feelings will make any more sense. One day I'll be feminine and the next I over-correct and wear my tight, uncomfortable binder despite it having little to no impact on how I'm viewed. I even find myself jealous of the more masculine beauties, with stubble and makeup and cute dresses. They look genderfluid to me. They fit my twisted definition of what a genderfluid person should look like. The cute, skinny and lean genderqueer people who can pass physically anyway because of their physique. And I, I wear a pair of pants- be it from the male or female part of the store and still look like a girl.
But that isn't fair, and they all have struggles with society and how they look and what they wear. So it's silly for me to feel that way, because most human beings will be more than happy to be a little put out in order to make your more comfortable, and some- less passive aggressive people- wouldn't offer if they didn't want to.
I recently started seeing a Counselor at a highly proclaimed LGBT Counseling Center, where one of the first things asked where 'What was my prefered name' and 'What were my pronouns.'
And I was uncomfortable telling them.
Not that I didn't want them to know, but because I felt it was a burden. That it would hinder their ability to Counsel me. That everyone has so much on their minds, who was I to add another burden onto them?
I recently began living with my Aunt and Uncle, who of course don't know. My aunt has an idea, as I've stated I have gender identity issues that could contribute to other issues. I still haven't been outright, though, as my aunt is a head-strong person (Aries like me) and I'm worried she wouldn't understand and argue. I'm probably not giving her enough credit, and I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill, but still the fear is there. The idea that 'why bother if no-one see's me that way anyway?'
For some reason everyone uses this heavily gendered language, which is only more evident because of my view on social 'norms'. That 'lady' or 'girl' is tacked onto every other sentence for no good reason other than to punctuate my birth sex. Why is it so prominent in the first place? Why did my Dad insist I get a female councillor? It's bullshit. And it bothers me every day and yet I still can't tell them to stop.
I have always wished I had been born a biological male for as long as I remember. But no, I still don't identify as such even when I wish it vehemently. My brother is ideal- tall, lean body, was always allowed to invest himself into sports as we grew up. We share our golden tan and strong jaws, though my brothers is more defined. He has a cute spray of freckles across his button nose. I'm fairly certain that had I been born with different biological sex I would still be genderfluid- just able to pass more as androgynous. Which I have no hope of doing as I am now.
I've read a very good article on how 'androgynous' isn't truly so, that what we (as society) view as ambiguous and fluid in gender as masculinity.
Sometimes, I couldn't be bothered to 'pass'. I am oozing confidence and my insides feel perfect and I can wear anything be it makeup or a dress. My wide hips and well-endowed butt feels more like a gift then a burden. Sometimes dysphoria hits like a ton of bricks, and the weight of never being able to fit into either ends of the societal spectrum is enough to suffocate me. I can't wear skirts on a more masculine day because I feel fake, and like I'm deceiving people when I tell them I'm genderfluid, or that I'm not trying hard enough to have a 'real transition'. And as we all have experienced, despite having intellect in rationality does not mean the universe and our feelings will make any more sense. One day I'll be feminine and the next I over-correct and wear my tight, uncomfortable binder despite it having little to no impact on how I'm viewed. I even find myself jealous of the more masculine beauties, with stubble and makeup and cute dresses. They look genderfluid to me. They fit my twisted definition of what a genderfluid person should look like. The cute, skinny and lean genderqueer people who can pass physically anyway because of their physique. And I, I wear a pair of pants- be it from the male or female part of the store and still look like a girl.
But that isn't fair, and they all have struggles with society and how they look and what they wear. So it's silly for me to feel that way, because most human beings will be more than happy to be a little put out in order to make your more comfortable, and some- less passive aggressive people- wouldn't offer if they didn't want to.